Ode To Mary Tyler Moore

I left the house feeling quite pleased with myself. I was having a Mary Tyler Moore day. I had on a pair of jeans that didn’t require me to hold my breath and a brand new blouse -- sunny summer yellow with snap buttons up the front. My pedicured toes were showcased in my favorite pair of black Cole Haan sandals, my one summer splurge item. And? I was having a good hair day. It was 82 degrees and the sun was spilling in through the sunroof of the car. I put on my sunglasses and checked my look in the rearview mirror. Dang! I looked pretty good, not a day over 45. If I’d had a beret, I would have thrown it in the air.

After I dropped Sean off at school, I continued my mission to take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile. First stop, Starbucks. As I was celebrating my splendid-ness with a refreshing Frappuccino, I noticed a man over in the corner checking me out over the screen of his laptop. I acted like I didn’t notice because I am just that cool. In what was supposed to be a sexy Sharon Stone-style move, I tipped the cup upwards to drain what was left of the sweet brown liquid. But. The ice broke loose from the bottom of the cup like a calving iceberg, smashing me in the face and gushing down my pretty yellow shirt and into my cleavage. I screamed. The man in the corner hid behind his laptop and chortled. He chortled! That is one small step above snorting. You have not been humiliated until you have been the object of a public chortling.

I stood and gathered up my dignity. I did a little side-to-side head move and flipped my good hair over my shoulders and then I put on my sunglasses and walked out of there like a model on a runway. Except that I was dabbing at my boobs with a wad of environmentally friendly Starbucks napkins which you should know, will disintegrate at the sight of liquid and leave behind what looks like spit up or oatmeal or spit up oatmeal on your shirt. When I thought I could plumb the depths of humiliation no further, I caught sight of my reflection in the door on my way out. I not only had an icy drink in my bra, I had a whipped cream mustache.

I was not going to let a little Frappuccino down my shirt ruin my Mary Tyler Moore day. I still had on a fabulous pair of sandals. I still had on a sexy pair of jeans. I could still make it afterall! I arrived at my next stop, my doctor’s office, for some routine blood work. As I sat in the blood drawing chair, I noticed the lab technician eyeing my sunny yellow oatmeal shirt. She didn’t ask and I didn’t offer.

On the way out of the doctor’s office, I decided to use the restroom before I continued turning the world on with my smile at TJMaxx. As I raised my pretty little pink painted tootsie to flush, the slick sole of my chic sandal slipped and I baptized my foot in the flushing toilet. I screamed for the second time that morning. I pulled my wet foot out and stood there like a flamingo helplessly watching Cole Haan go around and around. At the last moment, I reached in and made the rescue.

My Mary Tyler Moore day was literally going down the toilet. I stood dejected at the sink, on one foot, washing my sandal. The bathroom door opened and I looked in the mirror to see the lab technician. She stopped when she recognized it was me, oatmeal girl. She didn’t make eye contact with me, but rather raised her eyebrows with an expression of amusement and pity, as though she had finally seen it all. She didn’t ask and I didn’t offer. I slogged out of the doctors office, past the nurse and the non-Mary Tyler Moore patients wearing my one leg wet jeans, one shoe, a shirt covered in what looks like oatmeal and carrying a shoe wrapped in a paper towel.

When I picked Sean up from school he was demanding to go to Old McDonald’s and since I already smelled like Frappuccino and urine, I gave in. It wasn’t long before I spied him in the corner of the play yard in the poop pose, the one that looks like he is about to lift off wearing a silver space age jet pack on his back -- knees slightly bent, clenched fists out front. He was also wearing the red-faced, eyes glazed over poop expression. Great. Not exactly the finale I had in mind for my Mary Tyler Moore day, but at the same time, it seemed fitting. I called him over and gave him the news that we needed to go home. Given the day’s track record, the last thing I was up for was changing a poopy diaper in a public restroom. He was not very happy about this decision, so I had to carry him to the car, kicking and screaming and flailing.

With a “fully loaded” boy under one arm and my purse, keys, his shoes and our drinks under my other three arms, I exited the restaurant. As I was leaving I noticed that everyone was looking at me. My spirits were buoyed. I started thinking, wow, even after the day I’ve had, I still look pretty good.

That’s when I looked down to see that in the course of all the thrashing about, Sean had unsnapped my shirt down to my navel. And I had not one free arm to do anything about it.

So much for my Mary Tyler Moore day. If I'd had a beret, I would have just pulled it completely over my head.

Comments

[owlhaven]

OH MY. HIL AIR EEE OUS!!!!!!!!

(I mean-- you poor girl!)

Hope tomorrow is better. if not, you better blog about it.

Mary

[meredith]

Chortling, I am definitely chortling over here :)
May your ice cubes stay put and shoes stay on in the tomorrows to come.

[Terri]

Sounds a little more like Rhoda!

[Kvetch]

I laughed out loud, A.M., and the references to MTM just made me chuckle. Which, by the way, is no relation to a chortle.

Seems like Sean was going for the Barbara Eden look. The little darling needs to get his classic sitcoms straight.

[Code Yellow Mom]

This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time...A terrific tribute to all of "those days." Makes me want to send you a beret.

Um, you might want to button your shirt...

[veronica]

"the poop pose, the one that looks like he is about to lift off wearing a silver space age jet pack on his back"

I could see that perfectly. Excellent description.

And good for you for reliving it all in a post for our amusement. Whatever doesn't kill you... makes a really good story.

[Jennifer R. in MS]

Okay, am laughing SO hard- sorry, it IS at your expense, but MAN! I've so so been there- and can relate b/c I have a 2 (2 1/2) year old little man too- Thanks for the laugh.

[Tess]

*snorting* the whipped cream moustache

you are one brave woman, whew, those kind of days makes you want to just crawl back in bed and start over.

[KL]

Ah the poop pose about to lift off- hysterical stuff!
I also flush public toilets with my foot!

[Rabbit]

I'm weak from chortling. Sorry, I did indeed chortle. Came close to guffawing at the poop pose. You started out Mary Tyler Moore, so you got a bit disheveled along the way. At least you got out the gate. :)

[Susan]

Forget chortling, I was laughing out loud. Even MTM had her bad days. Thanks for shring this one.

[Melanie]

Oh, my! What a day! I'm so sorry that all happened to you, but thanks for the laugh! I hope you can laugh about it, too, in the near (or not so near) future!

[Julie]

Came here via Toddled Dredge and I never want to leave. What a hilarious story! No offense or anything, but oh ha ha!

[Fraulein]

Oh man. At least you got a good story out of that miserable day! Did the Cole Haan shoe survive the bath in the toilet?

[abogada]

What a perfectly AWFUL day. Sorry to hear about it, but at least you were able to tell it in a hilarious way. Especially the part about the poop pose. Hope tomorrow is better.

[Shalee]

Can't. Type... because.. tears... in my... eyes... That is so perfect. Oh man... Whew. What a good laugh I needed today!

(Slightly trying to stifle laugh) Poor AM. I sincerely your days are better this week. If not, please don't pass it on to the rest of us when you come up to KC.

Oh, and wear the blouse and sexy jeans and those fabulous shoes for the lunch. I would so love to see the real deal.

[Binky]

Hey, you can laugh about it, we can laugh about it, and everyone's happy. If one must have a bad day, that's the kind to have!

[Mrs T]

I recently had a similar experience, wearing a fun, cute bouncy skirt, out with my husband, just like grownups. Until a gust of wind caught it, exposing my ass to the car of the guy that I'd just made a snarky comment about.

[Gwen]

I'll never again feel as bad about the time I ran my Cole-Haan loafer through the washing machine!

And only this morning I was dabbing my freshly coffee-stained shirt with a Tide pen while driving the car...

Thanks for putting such entertaining words to all of our daily, humbling experiences!

[Kim]

This post was so funny!!!! I actually get the lol thing now because I did laugh out loud. Roy calls these "Lucy" moments. It's nice not to be the only one.

[Mary]

I'm sorry you had one of 'those' days but I am glad that you posted about it because I needed a good giggle. Hope your tomorrow is better!

[Wander]

Oh my goodness, the way you wrote this post I could see it all in my head. Sorry to laugh at your misery but obviously you saw the humor in it too.
Now I must go and get something to wipe the monitor that I spit cola all over while reading this entry. Way too funny!

[edj]

I'd say you definitely took a nothing day and made it all worthwhile! Now I need to go clean up the iced coffee I just snorted all over myself.

[fstopsteve]

I can't beleive you had a day like that and I wasn't there with a camera. There is no justice.
I did not chortle but I admit to a good guffaw. Great story! Thanks Mary.

[Pammer]

um...there are no words.